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Guy spy: 11 questions to ask his friends before you say ‘I do’
You’re planning a wedding. But have you planned the marriage?
By Jill Persaud
So much research goes into the details of your wedding day. But marriage is about what goes on long after that special day has come and gone. Shouldn’t you invest at least some of your pre-wedding time and energy into finding out as much as you can about the man you’re about to make a lifelong commitment to?
We all have facets of our personality that may not be immediately apparent in any one particular relationship. So while you may be confident that you know your fiancé pretty well – well enough, in fact, to have agreed to spend the rest of your days with him – chances are that there is still a lot you can learn about him from his circle of friends. Author Todd Outcalt, in his book entitled Before you say ‘I Do’, offers up a few thought-provoking questions that you can use as tools to guide you in this research project.
A word of caution – this exercise should not be taken on as an undercover spy mission. If you find yourself too intent on uncovering some deep dark secret, chances are you have bigger issues to address. If, however, you are able to approach the task in a spirit of fun and with a positive outlook, you are likely to encounter some pleasant surprises.
1. What does my fiancé say about me when I’m not around?
Imagine how comforting it would be to know that your future husband continues to sing your praises long after you’ve left the room. If, on the other hand, he never mentions you or does nothing but criticize or complain about you when he gets together with his buddies, take heed. “A man who does not praise you in public and social settings before marriage rarely learns how to do so after the wedding.” Contrary to what stand-up comics would have us believe, wife-bashing is not a universal male activity. Sure, there are men out there who succumb to it, but they are neither respected by their peers nor appreciated by their wives.
2. What do my fiancé’s friends say about him when he’s not around?
Outcalt contends that a man who has not garnered the admiration of friends and colleagues “will rarely gain a spouse’s respect in marriage.” If you’re the only one who seems to have anything positive to say about your mate, odds are that you’re missing a piece of the big picture. If, on the other hand, your observations reveal that your fiancé’s friends clearly hold him in high regard, you can be certain that you’ve found someone special. If these same friends have also won your respect and admiration, you’ve got it made.
3. What is the nicest thing my fiancé has ever done for you?
By seeking out positive feedback about your betrothed, you will affirm your relationship. You may even discover that your fiancé has a capacity for kindness and generosity that exceeds your expectations. One of the keys to a successful marriage, says Outcalt, is a relationship “in which two people continue to seek the positive in each other.” A marriage that begins with an “accentuate the positive” attitude is much less likely to deteriorate into “a fault-finding expedition.” Of course, if the friends to whom this question is posed are unable to give you an answer, you might have some serious soul-searching to do.
4. In what ways do you think my fiancé will change me for the better?
The answers to this question may reveal just as much about how his friends see you as how they see him. If you choose to pose this question, be sure to keep an open mind. Remember that marriage is designed to be a learning and growing experience – one in which his strengths may benefit your weaknesses, and vice versa. Gaining some insight into how your personalities complement and offset one another can only benefit you as you enter into the marriage relationship.
5. What’s the most memorable experience you’ve had with my fiancé?
Although perhaps nothing as wacky or slapstick as an episode of Seinfeld or Friends, this question is guaranteed to unearth some entertaining and revealing anecdotes. In addition to learning about your loved one’s past, these stories shared between friends can also help to bring you closer into the circle. They may even reveal a side of your fiancé that you didn’t know existed.
6. How does my fiancé react when he gets angry?
Anger is a necessary emotion, one which we all experience. But how we manage our anger can vary greatly across individuals. It’s possible that you have not seen firsthand how your fiancé deals with anger, especially if you are not yet living together. Outcalt stresses the need to understand how our mates express their anger before entering into marriage. “When anger is not vented properly, problems can arise.” If your research reveals that your fiancé has an explosive or violent temper, this is something you should address now rather than after the wedding.
7. Has my fiancé ever had a problem with alcohol or substance abuse?
You may think that a secret as big as this could never be kept from you. But it does happen. Many addicts are very adept at keeping their exploits hidden away from loved ones and those they would like to impress. If you have any reason to suspect that there might be a problem, explore it. Even if you do find that your beloved has had a history of addiction, it is possible that he has overcome this problem. But be sure to discuss it with him. A healthy relationship cannot be built around a secret of this magnitude. If he is truly determined to stay clean and sober, he will be grateful for your love and support in this matter. If he refuses to discuss it with you, you are in for a difficult journey ahead – one that might not be worth the ride.
8. What does my fiancé worry about?
Many of us are more likely to express our worries and frustrations to our closest friends, rather than burden our partners with concerns that may be unfounded. And quite often what we worry about most, particularly in the days leading up to our wedding, revolves around that key relationship. If you sense that your fiancé is fretting about something he’s not sharing with you, you may gain some insight by turning to his friends. Perhaps he is worried about your finances, your future, your family. Whatever it is that is causing him concern, chances are that you will be able to reassure him and put his mind at ease once you understand what you’re up against.
9. What can you tell me about my fiancé’s past relationships?
Do not ask this question unless you have a valid reason to suspect something is being withheld from you. This is one area where you and your fiancé should be candid with each other. If, however, you have a pressing need to know more details, choose your sources wisely. For obvious reasons, an ex-girlfriend is probably not a reliable source of information. If you are worried about a history of infidelity or sexually transmitted disease, the question might be worth the risk. Otherwise, let it go. We are all entitled to some degree of privacy when it comes to our past relationships.
10. What could I do that would surprise my fiancé?
If your man is not easily surprised and you would love nothing more than to see him taken aback for once, his closest friends may be able to help you out. Use their experience to your advantage. Their knowledge may inspire some unique gift ideas, or encourage you to introduce some element of surprise into your wedding or honeymoon plans. A Toronto man used surprise to stun his fiancée, a woman of Scottish descent. She knew him as coming from a rather stuffy English family, but she was blown away when she arrived at the altar to find him waiting for her in full Scottish dress.
11. How would you like to be involved in our wedding?
Apart from learning more about your fiancé, this exercise has hopefully helped you to learn more about his friends and given them and you a new respect for one another. They are sure to appreciate your candor and regard for their insights and experiences with your fiancé. Old friends can very often feel threatened by the arrival of a new mate on the scene. Your willingness to involve them in your new life as a married couple can go a long way in easing the transition. An invitation to take part in your wedding can mean a lot to those who care about you and your fiancé.
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